AT THE OFFICE
It is impolite to prod the back of a coworker with a green banana.
She will not be as likely to let you dip your finger into her muffin and today is pumpkin cream
cheese.
Rather, wait until your banana is speckled with sweet spots, and then rub it against the backs of her
knees; it will be well received.
When she asks to borrow your stapler do not reply, “I would sooner staple your asshole shut.”
Simply hand it over, but watch her as she walks away to make sure she passes Nelson’s cubicle
without stapling his tongue to his forehead. That is, and always has been, your aspiration.
If your boss asks you to make photocopies for his presentation do not instead photocopy your gaping
asshole to prove a point. Knowing his interest in David Bowie he will likely ask for a closer look.
Do not masturbate in the employee restroom during your lunch hour. You will be contending with
the groans of your coworkers.
Even though you have a crush on the secretary, it is unwise to wait for her in the employee lounge
and leap out of the broom closet with your cock in your hand while she is waiting for her toast.
Every Friday when you visit payroll, the hefty woman with a tacky dolphin pendant takes her time
finding your paycheck. Avoid telling her how many ways you’ve imagined her death.
Simply smile and then stare at her intern who is licking envelopes, while thinking it a terrible waist
of an admirable dexterity.
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