This crude live-action takeoff on the Cabbage Patch phenomenon ought to have had star Anthony Newley humming 'Stop the Movie, I Want to Get Off.'

I learn to masturbate during a sleepover with Jaime. We’re lying in our sleeping bags and he tells me to rub mine. I do it and it feels peculiar reminding me of tying a balloon knot or climbing higher than I ever have before. It’s swollen and very warm. Small sticky raindrops appear over purple lips. They taste salty sweet. In a moment of profound embarrassment, I convulse in the plaid, red bag soaking the inside with what I worry is piss.